The Top Five Musicians You Meet in Hell
It’s been a while since we’ve done a good Top Five. I can’t explain why I decided to write on this subject, but I can tell you that the more research I did, the more this article changed. I discovered a new level of what I considered “horrible.” And, for the record, I’m an atheist, so Hell here is just a made-up place where all these people could live in harmony.
THIS ARTICLE IS NSFW unless you work somewhere cool.
Stalaggh “truly represents the total annihilation of all human life” according to their manifesto. Allegedly they recruit mental patients to do the vocals for their albums. The name itself is distasteful, as it refers to Stalags (and the extra GH stands for “Global Holocaust) but the music is more reprehensible here. Stalaggh is on this list mainly because even metalheads think they go a little too far and deem it “unlistenable” (hilariously).
THIS VIDEO IS NSFW.
Possibly the nerdiest band on this list, as Wikipedia tells me “the band is named after the dead plateau of evil and darkness in the land of Mordor from J. R. R. Tolkien’s fantasy novelThe Lord of the Rings”, Gorgoroth takes offensive to a new level in possibly being the only band formally charged with being considered “religiously offensive”. This was in reaction to their performance “during a concert being recorded for a DVD in Kraków, Poland, the band displayed sheep heads on stakes, a bloodbath of 80 litres of sheep’s blood, Satanic symbols, and four naked crucified models on stage.” They walked away but were fined for the performance, which is now available on DVD. This is a shame because playing DVDs backward is very difficult on traditional DVD players so there are only a handful of people able to hear their occultist black magic agenda.
3) GG Allin
Probably the person you expected to top this list. GG Allin wanted to make everyone uncomfortable. He was an alcoholic and heroin addict. He also liked to shit on stage a lot. He was John Wayne Gacy’s pen pal. He was imprisoned briefly when a female acquaintance went to the police after he “admitted to cutting her, burning her, and drinking her blood, but insisted she did the same thing to him.” At one of his last shows, he “stripped naked, defecated on the floor, wiped his feces on himself and threw feces into the audience” and later assaulted a female audience member. He was buried (as he wished) in a leather jacket and jockstrap, covered in the feces he had smeared on his person when he took a lethal overdose of heroin prior to his death.
2) Varg Vikernes
The founder of early Norwegian Black Metal one-man band Burzum. A neo-paganist. Alleged Nazi sympathizer. Church arsonist. Convicted killer.
1) Phil Spector
Unfortunately, our last entry is also a badass genius and INVENTED THE MONEY EATING TUMBLR MEME. It’s a shame.
Phil Spector has a record of threatening musicians with either crossbows (Leonard Cohen) or guns (The Ramones) and allegedly would hold women hostage in his home. Then one time he got trigger happy. But the real offense here is the hair.