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The Top Five Unforgivable Crimes Against Remixes or Covers

Trying to use YouTube as Spotify results in, more often than not, stumbling upon things that are going to disappoint you significantly. Most of the time, it’s finding a cover or remix or mashup of what you were looking for. I’ve decided to take the time to outline the five worst things you can do to an original song.

5) Ukulele Covers

Playing Ukulele covers of any song has different meaning based on the gender of the player. For women, playing ukulele is an admission that you don’t have a boyfriend and want to appeal your Deschanel-style eccentricity to a wider audience that maybe “gets” you or can at least muster up a single encouraging comment. For men, uploading a ukulele cover is virtualized castration. Real men play guitars. And real REAL men play guitars with one more string than they are normally manufactured with.

The evidence:

Cool flea market skyline poster

Cool flea market I <3 NY shirt

4) Acapella Version

Making an acapella cover of anything is usually a bad idea. I’m referring to two groups here: the obvious “i’m singing over the music playing quietly in the background”, and the brutal, horrid acapella group cover. The kind that wears bow ties and sport coats and chooses songs to make vocal groups sound like they’re “with it”. It’s like when you see an elderly person with a smartphone: no matter how fancy it looks, something is still not right about it.

The evidence:

It’s even worse when they try to make it ironic.

3) The YouTube Collaboration

This is that one thing where you still live in the city you graduated high school in and all your friends moved away or are too lazy to drive to your house but you get the old band back together to “CASH-IN” on YouTube celebrity because you’re going to be done with nursing school soon and then you won’t have time for that crazy telecommuter rock star life.

The evidence:

Your roommate wants her FlipCam back.

2) Mega Mashup

Making a mega mashup  says this about the masher-upper: “I do not have the patience to mix songs in a cohesive manner nor do I have the attention span to listen to songs at length. I also want to gain popularity by showcasing how popular music is extremely homogenized.” The most painful thing about the mega-mashup is that you might hear one of those white-girl wasted “oh that’s my SONG” songs or even an actual good song for approximately two seconds before it sinks like a Soviet submarine into the depths of FM radio shit.

The evidence:

Sorry Madeon. You suck now.

1) Dubstep Remix

I don’t need to elaborate on anything here. This is why the whole genre should be forgotten. Those found with dubstep music in their possession will be sent to labor camps where they can “wobble” their asses into the coal mine. The worst thing about it is that everyone seems to think that anything is game for a dubstep remix. For instance, I simply typed “jurassic park du” and it was suggested “jurassic park dubstep remix”. OF COURSE THAT’S WHATWAS LOOKING FOR.

The evidence:

And yes, even my beloved Dolly has been butchered by these subhumans

One thought on “The Top Five Unforgivable Crimes Against Remixes or Covers”

  1. Hans Zipper says:

    Bro nice article me n three other dudes just read it so hard

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