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Top 5 F*ck Monday Songs

Michael Douglas in Falling DownLooks like somebody’s got a case of the Mondays. Don’t worry, you weekday warrior! Your cubicle may seem oppressively small as spring calls just outside the window, and those sneers of disapproval from your boss may sting. But just be glad you have a nice office chair to sit in and that your boss hasn’t forgotten you exist! And hey, you’ve got your health.

Not working for you? How about this–five songs that help you give Monday the Wednesday finger.

The Bangles – Manic Monday
You’re nursing a hangover from your work-week denial bender last night, so let’s start this off easy. The Bangles are bland enough. Actually, I often confuse them with Bananarama, except for that pop-eyed warbler Susanna Hoffs, who apparently has the hots for Valentino, a guy who died about 30 years before she was born (grand-daddy issues?). Whatever tickles your pickle. Anyway, this syprupy song offers an “oh, shucks” entry into the Monday-morning rush, when it dawns on you that the weekend is over and your fate is to show up late and disheveled for the beginning of the week. Sunday IS our Funday, right guys? Guys?

Cake – Shut the Fuck Up
Time to dive into some vitriol. Now I don’t understand why heavy torsos are heaving and hurling anymore than I can figure out how simple feet flicker like fire, but I don’t think that’s Mr. Cake’s point. What he really wants people to attend to is shutting the fuck up, which is why he says it about 20 times during the song. So let’s all do that, and then learn to buck up–especially on this the most bullshit-laden, underwhelming and unholiest day of the week. I couldn’t agree more.

They Might be Giants – Minimum Wage
And here’s your aural intermission. A 5-minute break where you can check your phone (no one texted you, or liked your status, or Twatted at you … boohoo it’s Monday), eat your entire week’s worth of healthy office snacks in one sitting, or catch a quick upright snooze in the bathroom before your boss notices you’re not clacking away at your desk. Blink and you might miss this little song, which is short on lyrics (“minimum waaaaage–yah!”) but long on all the menial, underpaid tasks and smirky middle managers it took to generate the sentiment. It’s just a drop, but drink it in, because we’ve all been there as kids. Just consider yourself lucky that now you’re making slightly more than minimum wage and you no longer have to wear a paper hat or a name tag.

Radiohead – Fitter Happier
If there was a society for caustic social commentary (and there should be), Thom Yorke would probably be chairman of its Just-Kill-Yourself Subcommittee. This song offers commentary on so many levels, from the monotone electronic voice to the list of behaviors for the well-adjusted that unravels into a kind of daily maintenance for the homicidal sociopath. How can someone who starts off as a seemingly healthy, happy moderate drinker devolve into industrially farmed livestock? I blame Monday. Nothing makes me feel more like a pig in a cage than Monday.

White Collar Boy – Belle & Sebastian
I wasn’t just going to leave you hanging with Thom Yorke and his new box of razors. Gentle reader, I’m not that mean. Time for dessert! Here’s a young man who’s decided to take the doldrums into his own hands and do a little light thieving. He unfortunately gets caught (I’m sure it was on a Monday) and has to do some hard time. But at least it’s with a hottie who has low kissing standards. This white-collar boy ends up in a zany mishap that isn’t at all his fault. But even though he’s on the lam and will probably lose his job, this warden’s pet is, at least, not bored.

So let’s all celebrate Monday by bucking the system. Steal a stapler, draw an inappropriate cartoon of your boss with a farm animal (may I suggest a pig on antibiotics?), set the building on FIRE! (I am clearly joking about this and am in no way legally liable for your shenanigans, Sparky.) Do something to show Monday that Friday is coming for its ass.

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