Where this respective family tree begins?

Get the musical reference of the headline? That’s right, Beastie Boys plus Leonard Cohen. Those guys love women. And Buddhism. But that’s not what this is about. This is about the women who ruled the charts, charmed the critics, rocked the house, broke your heart, beat up the clubs, bared their souls, took us to new heights and sadly left us behind in this the year about to pass, 2010.

Over the next few weeks, we’ll read about chart-toppers, indie-rockers, soul singers, genre benders, band leaders, critic’s darlings and the dearly departed. Today, let’s take it easy. Let’s talk about pop music, girl-style.

Part One—2010: The Year Pop Broke (and PAID)

My purple Madonna Like a Virgin Tour t-shirt from 1985 is one of my most prized possessions. She and Cyndi Lauper were my heroes. I was 10 years old, finally choosing my own music, and their early albums still bring out the best in me today—pure, unadulterated and innocent joy– even though their biggest hits were extraordinarily adult in nature (see “Like a Virgin” and “She Bop”).

The biggest female names in pop music today owe everything to these women. It’s been 25 years since my childhood musical dream girls broke out: Madonna with her irreverent sexuality, ever-changing persona, endless drive, killing work ethic and her gift for performance-masked-as-musical talent; Cyndi with her punk-rock aesthetic, unapologetic originality and actual musical talent. Together these two created a formula that’s brought iconic status to endless lists of female pop artists; and this year, the formula is more obvious than ever.

Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift, Ke$ha, Rihanna, Katy Perry, Miley Cyrus, Beyonce, Pink and Britney Spears—all of whom ruled the money-making charts this year—weren’t even born when Madonna writhed across the stage in her boy-toy wedding dress; weren’t even a glimmer in their daddy’s eyes when Cyndi Lauper confounded audiences with punk/new-wave outfits, electric red hair, an as-yet-to-be-duplicated checkerboard-patterned side-shave and a song about masturbation.

Our 2010 millionaire babes in the spotlight mark a relatively new blip in the evolution of the female pop superstar—and here and there, pull from disco divas, sixties girl groups, folksy seventies pop songstresses, and even guitar slinging pop stars of the nineties—each one a reminder that there’s nothing all that new under the neon lights of the pop star sun. Let’s take a look at this year’s top-five Billboard chart-toppers, in order of their net worth:

  1. Bjork for the intellectually challenged?

    Lady Gaga is the number-one Billboard artist of 2010. What does that mean? This meat-donning diva and her Fame Monster hit-grinder has been the most cash-lucrative record label commodity of the year. Some say she’s a recycled Madonna. Add the shock aesthetic borne of the penchant for performance art you find in her clothing and videos; her incredible, tireless touring; her talent for virtually endless publicity…and voila, Madonna. A lot of people love her. A lot of people hate her. A lot are indifferent. And a lot of people believe she’ll flame out quickly. The same was said of Madonna. In a weird aside reported by Billboard, Yoko Ono said two things about Lady Gaga. One, that John Lennon would have loved her. And two, that she has a “nice bottom.” My favorite summation thus far, however, is that she’s “Bjork for stupid people.” But her songs have a nice beat and you can dance to them.

  2. More "Jewel" School?

    Taylor Swift looks like a Disney princess, wears innocent gowns all the time, plays guitar, writes her own music, dates older men, looks like she’s already had a facelift, fits nowhere in my Madonna-Lauper theory but does remind me of Jewel (whose first album I unapologetically loved), has absolutely killed it in sales and garnered rave reviews from unlikely critics with her “grown-up” album Speak Now. I haven’t heard a word from that record, but I kind of hate her, unless these songs sound like Jewel’s did on her first album, in which case I will be an unapologetic fan. Or not.

  3. A Futuristic Girly Warrior?

    Rihanna. I love her. She’s so pretty. “Umbrella” made me love pop music again. I love that amazing cadence her voice hits at the very tips of her notes. Her black metal futuristic warrior outfits were just about to get on my nerves (though I was proud of her for it) until she dyed her hair red and got it did all girly-like for her new album—Loud—one of my favorite, happiest, you- must-have-it albums of 2010. Her music’s energy is powerful and far-reaching. And now Jay-Z has her back for real, management-team style.

  4. Dance or suicide enducing?

    Katy Perry kissed a girl a while ago. Hit the road on the WARPED tour, and is now a pop princess married to the bizarre Russell Brand. Her hits do not stop. She looks like a cross between Dita Von Teese, Lucille Ball and Betty Boop. She wears dresses with candy on it. Her album Firework’s endless hits (“California Girls”) make you want to shoot yourself and/or make you stupid-dance-happy (“Teenage Dream”).

  5. This is what text messaging has done to our language.

    Ke$ha’s music makes no fucking sense. She brushes her teeth with whiskey? Ke$ha makes no fucking sense. She’s replaced her phonetic “s” with a dollar sign? Her image on the cover of her first release Animal rivals that of a drug-addled mug shot. Her songs read like text messages. But her new album, stretching in scope but not in rhyme, Cannibal holds tracks like “We R Who We R,” which would totally get me on the dance floor.

P.S. Beyonce hit number nine on Forbes “Hollywood’s 20 Highest-Earning” stars of 2010 with an estimated annual income of $87 million. Britney’s number 13 at $64 million. Gaga’s number 14 at $62 million. Madonna’s still banking big at number 15 with $58 million. Miley’s number 18 at $48 million. Taylor’s number 19 at $45 million. I’m sure Rihanna, Katy and Ke$ha aren’t far behind. Maybe that dollar sign’s not such a bad idea after all.

Related Posts: