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TacocaT – Leotard


So, at the risk of sounding like a douche, let me tell you a story… or at least give you an instance that has happened to me more than once.

I get up enough courage to finally ask a girl out, and by courage I mean usually doing it the way a true coward would. I send her a message on FB or Tumblr. It usually is talking about music and introducing her to some new bands, or talking about movies. {I just heard a chorus of “AHA!” coming from riverside} Every once in a while a girl actually plays along with me. I usually attribute This to the tide, or the phases of the moon, or to the fact that maybe she is just really desperate. This causes a problem, because when I asked her out I didn’t think that she would say “yes”, so I haven’t prepared for the next step, like “ok, what should we do? Where should we go?” I am an extremely uncreative and indecisive person when it comes to picking places to go, weather it be a “date” or going out to eat or even where to buy a pack of cigarettes. This is a huge stress factor for me because I know that I will be judged based off what I decide to do and where I decide we should go. Because I have no idea what to do, I typically suggest getting a drink. If I am feeling really uncreative, or I think I might get away with it, I try the “Wanna come over and watch a movie?” trick. We all know what that means these days so the success rate of that is right at about 3% and even asking it means that if she says no, she probably won’t ever speak to you again. This is not to say that I am always unimaginative because I have tried in the past to be quirky, but that always ends really Badly. The last time I was trying to color outside of the lines I sent a girl the video for “I Wanna Take You on a Date” by Andrew W.K. I thought it was funny and cute, apparently she didn’t. We were all chatty up to the point I sent that video, but after sending that video, I never heard from her again.

So, here we are, we are on a “date”, which probably means we are either at a movie not speaking to each other at all, or we are at a bar and I am looking around nervously (I have a touch of agoraphobia). Things are going pretty well actually and the night is progressing pretty quickly. To my surprise when we get on the Subject of movies and I talk about one that she hasn’t seem, she agrees to go to my house and watch it with me. I know what that means, YOU know what that means, but still in my head I think “Maybe she just really wants to watch the movie” so I don’t pull any moves for at least the first hour. After not paying attention to anything going on in the movie for almost all of it I slide my hand over and touch her hand to see if she will recoil in disgust. I have had instances where the girl has looked at me like I am nuts, then looks at the time 5 mins later and says something like “I think I need to get home, I have to go to work in the morning.” This time however, it works And she wraps her hand around mine in response! Not being one to miss any opportunities I pretty much see that as a green light and immediately go in for a kiss. Yet again, no pushing me away or “ummmmmm?” reactions. After a good amount of time kissing and groping I finally press my luck and head for the “Hidden Valley”…………..? Just to have my hand ricochet off a leotard. Womp.

I have always wondered if the girl put on the leotard before the date on purpose knowing that she didn’t want to do anything with me, and she was just being nice by letting me get to a certain point without having to reject me flat out. I now know that it’s true. She never wanted me to touch the goods, she just didn’t want to hurt my feelings. Thank you Tacocat for making me realize that I never had a chance from the beginning.


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